Yet again it is 3 am and I am sitting in front of my computer desperately hoping some mind blowing revelation will occur during the habitual e-mail check. It seems to be the same neurotic process that takes place when people continually check the fridge hoping something tasty will appear the next time they open the door. Then again, considering the neurosis I just described, I should probably turn off my computer (gasp!!! it can be turned off?!), grab my journal (and a glass of wine) and keep these pointless rants to myself :)
Oh well.. those that know me are not surprised in the least bit that I am still unable to sleep before the wee hours of the morning.
I have been slightly apathetic about life in general lately... which is probably heightened by re-discovery of a CD that I last listened to while bumming around Japan. I mean, when was the last time you were completely out of your comfort zone? Think about it. Seriously. The last time that everything around you was nakedly different: the colors, the language, the culture, the geography, the food.. whatever it may be. When was the last time all of your senses were alive?
My point is (and I use that phrase incredibly loosely) that we get complacent. Life becomes a pattern (or "model" as a very wise person I know would say)... Yea, stop rolling your eyes.. I know it's not some incredibly deep comment. 9-5 blah blah blah. It's just that it seems to get harder and harder to be able to move just because you want to live on the ocean for a little bit, or to take a month off work and backpack Europe.... or hell, take two weeks off to visit family in another state. Oh sure, you can take a week or two, but you better have picked up a crap load of shifts or worked a ton of overtime to do it. Spontanaity has become a planned event. It's sad.
And why would this be bothering me you ask? Ok well, you may not be asking, but since I'm writing anyway I might as well continue this less than brilliant post. Because I moved to Utah for 3 months and have been here for 4 years. Because all I have wanted was to get my photography company going and it is and is showing real promise- and that means I will be here even longer. Because I have good friends a well paying job (usually) and a nice apartment with too much crap in it. Because I never have to look at a map anymore to drive around the city. Because it gets harder and harder to justify starting over somewhere else. Because financially it would be incredibly stupid (considering my student loan debt) to pick up and leave. Because every reason that keeps me stationary alternatively screams at me to leave.
The sobering truth is that sometimes I think it would be easier to kinda check-out and buy into the 40 hours/ week for 40 years plan... to silence the voice that whispers dreams of adventure and strange places.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Calm Before the Storm
It's very late and I should be sleeping. Though, I have found that I am not very good at going to bed at any semblance of a reasonable hour, so I really don't know why I am continually suprised by this. Anyway, things have been coming full circle out in crazy Salt Lake City. I'm really excited and my brain seems to be racing faster and in more directions than I thought possible. I'm doing a much needed over-haul slash re-vamping of my photography company. Yes, it's true. I'm actually re-focusing & simplifying to shooting primarily weddings and portraits (with fine art of course on the side). More importantly I am starting to make some contacts and garner new skills that I am barely able to contain my excitement about.
For example, I will be shooting a wedding catering company's new brochures and will be their referral photographer... word of mouth will always out weigh any other type of positive advertisement. Plus, they did 80 weddings last year- which is more than I can shoot by myself anyway. Oh darn, I will have to hire another photographer (down the road).
I also decided to take a couple classes at Salt Lake Community College for graphics :) Which means I may even be able to make my own damn flyers. Anyone who knows me knows how horribly challenged I can be with graphics stuff. I have to say, an ass load of debt for an under grad degree that I will most likely NEEEEVVVVVEEEEER use later, I am more excited about the 2 classes I'm currently enrolled in than anything I have taken in the past.
You know, over all things have just started really picking up momentum. It was as if I finally decided mentally that it was possible, that I was good enough, that I was ready.. and all of a sudden I looked around to realize that many of the resources I needed were already there. What has become increasingly poignant to me lately has been how much your mindest affects everything... I know this is cliche, but I realyl believe that NO ONE other than yourself will even stop you from succeeding- and yet, I continue to undercut my own efforts by thinking maybe I wasn't ready.. blah blah blah. For example, I was talking to someone that I heard some modeling, so I'm all baddadd photographer asking what he's done... then he says he's been primarily in Milan, Paris... all the places that are the real deal and big time. It's amazing, in an instant I went from being the powerful one to being ocmpletely intimidated wishing I hadn't given him my business card becauze I was embaressed for him to see my website before I update it. As the realization hit me, that nothing had changed other than my perception of the situation, I began to think, "ok.. stop it. you're talented, but you both come from different backgrounds.... he may or ay not like your work... does it really matter??"
I guess on some level I feel like we all do that in our lives... No one really wants to feel like whatever they are passionate about is horrible, but at the same time I think we all need to refocus and look internally for belief in our own work. There is power and magic in confidence that sometimes is easy to forget when we get sucked into relying on external praise.
Ok Ok.. . I know this is way to long of a blog to read anyway.. so I will stop. I just wanted to share some of my more fun moments and let you all know (and by you all, I mean the one or two people that might actually be reading this... heh heh heh) that updates are coming and to keep an eye out on up and coming photographers :)
For example, I will be shooting a wedding catering company's new brochures and will be their referral photographer... word of mouth will always out weigh any other type of positive advertisement. Plus, they did 80 weddings last year- which is more than I can shoot by myself anyway. Oh darn, I will have to hire another photographer (down the road).
I also decided to take a couple classes at Salt Lake Community College for graphics :) Which means I may even be able to make my own damn flyers. Anyone who knows me knows how horribly challenged I can be with graphics stuff. I have to say, an ass load of debt for an under grad degree that I will most likely NEEEEVVVVVEEEEER use later, I am more excited about the 2 classes I'm currently enrolled in than anything I have taken in the past.
You know, over all things have just started really picking up momentum. It was as if I finally decided mentally that it was possible, that I was good enough, that I was ready.. and all of a sudden I looked around to realize that many of the resources I needed were already there. What has become increasingly poignant to me lately has been how much your mindest affects everything... I know this is cliche, but I realyl believe that NO ONE other than yourself will even stop you from succeeding- and yet, I continue to undercut my own efforts by thinking maybe I wasn't ready.. blah blah blah. For example, I was talking to someone that I heard some modeling, so I'm all baddadd photographer asking what he's done... then he says he's been primarily in Milan, Paris... all the places that are the real deal and big time. It's amazing, in an instant I went from being the powerful one to being ocmpletely intimidated wishing I hadn't given him my business card becauze I was embaressed for him to see my website before I update it. As the realization hit me, that nothing had changed other than my perception of the situation, I began to think, "ok.. stop it. you're talented, but you both come from different backgrounds.... he may or ay not like your work... does it really matter??"
I guess on some level I feel like we all do that in our lives... No one really wants to feel like whatever they are passionate about is horrible, but at the same time I think we all need to refocus and look internally for belief in our own work. There is power and magic in confidence that sometimes is easy to forget when we get sucked into relying on external praise.
Ok Ok.. . I know this is way to long of a blog to read anyway.. so I will stop. I just wanted to share some of my more fun moments and let you all know (and by you all, I mean the one or two people that might actually be reading this... heh heh heh) that updates are coming and to keep an eye out on up and coming photographers :)
Saturday, August 18, 2007
An extension of my quote fetish
"A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving"
-Lao Tzu
"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go"
-T.S. Eliot
Life: It's just a cereal.
Love is finding perfection in an imperfect person.
"Every artist dips his brush into his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures"
-Henry Ward Beecher
"Every artist was first an amateur"
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast"
-Oscar Wilde
"I have never, let my schooling interfere with myeducation"
-Mark Twain
"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars"
-Charles A. Beard
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear"
-Ambrose Redmoon
"The important thing is to be able to sacrifice what we are for what we could be"
- Charles DuBois"
"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it"
-Goethe
One of my favorites:
"There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other"
-Douglas Everett
A thought to leave you with:
I believe the higher use of imagination is in harmony with the use of conscience to transcend self and creat a life od contribution based on unique purpose and onthe principles that govern interdependent reality.
(though I am not sure where that paragraph is from.. it seems fitting none the less.)
-Lao Tzu
"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go"
-T.S. Eliot
Life: It's just a cereal.
Love is finding perfection in an imperfect person.
"Every artist dips his brush into his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures"
-Henry Ward Beecher
"Every artist was first an amateur"
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast"
-Oscar Wilde
"I have never, let my schooling interfere with myeducation"
-Mark Twain
"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars"
-Charles A. Beard
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear"
-Ambrose Redmoon
"The important thing is to be able to sacrifice what we are for what we could be"
- Charles DuBois"
"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it"
-Goethe
One of my favorites:
"There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other"
-Douglas Everett
A thought to leave you with:
I believe the higher use of imagination is in harmony with the use of conscience to transcend self and creat a life od contribution based on unique purpose and onthe principles that govern interdependent reality.
(though I am not sure where that paragraph is from.. it seems fitting none the less.)
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Natal Hexagram: The Wanderer
The Wanderer (The sojourning One)
Traits:
visitor and wanderer
Always moving
Driven
Hyper
Interesting
Amusing
Frenetic
Fascinating
Studies many cultures
Easily detoured
Spontaneous
Looks before leaping
Kind
Extroverted
Nips things in the bud
Tends to quarrel
Decisive
Deals with things fast
Cautious (paranoid?)
Open-minded
Intelligent
Quick-tempered
Mystic
Life lesson:
These people need to learn to be more sensitive and more appropriate ("when in Rome..."); they also need to learn to ressolve disputes better and to be more helpful and a bit more humble.
Positive tendencies:
These are restless and adventurous people with large intellectual appetites. They go in many different directions, sometimes at once, and can achieve a number of significant goals that may be very different from one another. they love travel and new things- cultures, places, and people. These people crave new experiences, are alwatys experimenting, and are almost radically open-mined. Generally intelligent, these people are often extroverted, interesting, and tell fascinating tales. They could be talented artists, writers, teachers, and/or students. They can also set up prgrams as well as flexible and mulitpurpose situations, classes, job, and so on. Flexible is a key word here, but these people do best with modest goals and targets, not big sweeping changes or projects. These people will always be seeking and sampling different traditions, cultures, foods, and maybe even philosophies and religions. Similarly, they have a wide variey of friends and are always on the go, never feeling that there is enough time. Spontatneous, they have a bit of the "Indiana Jones" adventurer in them. They love to debate and argue all the time, but rarely stupidly. Passionate, these chameleon-like people are always moving one way or another. Though people think them changeable, they actually have a strong, solid core of beliefs and morals.
Negative Tendencies:
These people can be a bit crazed and frenetic; they are someties easily detoured and distracted and sometimes jump before looking into all the ramifications. These people may quarrel, may be aurguementative, may be picky, and may at tiems think others can't do things as well as they can. Sometimes hard toplease, these people can have quick tempers and be very impractical. These people can be too restless, sometimes not settling down or completing things, sometimes avoiding long-term committments, and sometimes bloting when things get heavy. They can feel at loose ends, rootless, and have few ties or possessions. They can have a big mouth and it gets them in trouble.
Traits:
visitor and wanderer
Always moving
Driven
Hyper
Interesting
Amusing
Frenetic
Fascinating
Studies many cultures
Easily detoured
Spontaneous
Looks before leaping
Kind
Extroverted
Nips things in the bud
Tends to quarrel
Decisive
Deals with things fast
Cautious (paranoid?)
Open-minded
Intelligent
Quick-tempered
Mystic
Life lesson:
These people need to learn to be more sensitive and more appropriate ("when in Rome..."); they also need to learn to ressolve disputes better and to be more helpful and a bit more humble.
Positive tendencies:
These are restless and adventurous people with large intellectual appetites. They go in many different directions, sometimes at once, and can achieve a number of significant goals that may be very different from one another. they love travel and new things- cultures, places, and people. These people crave new experiences, are alwatys experimenting, and are almost radically open-mined. Generally intelligent, these people are often extroverted, interesting, and tell fascinating tales. They could be talented artists, writers, teachers, and/or students. They can also set up prgrams as well as flexible and mulitpurpose situations, classes, job, and so on. Flexible is a key word here, but these people do best with modest goals and targets, not big sweeping changes or projects. These people will always be seeking and sampling different traditions, cultures, foods, and maybe even philosophies and religions. Similarly, they have a wide variey of friends and are always on the go, never feeling that there is enough time. Spontatneous, they have a bit of the "Indiana Jones" adventurer in them. They love to debate and argue all the time, but rarely stupidly. Passionate, these chameleon-like people are always moving one way or another. Though people think them changeable, they actually have a strong, solid core of beliefs and morals.
Negative Tendencies:
These people can be a bit crazed and frenetic; they are someties easily detoured and distracted and sometimes jump before looking into all the ramifications. These people may quarrel, may be aurguementative, may be picky, and may at tiems think others can't do things as well as they can. Sometimes hard toplease, these people can have quick tempers and be very impractical. These people can be too restless, sometimes not settling down or completing things, sometimes avoiding long-term committments, and sometimes bloting when things get heavy. They can feel at loose ends, rootless, and have few ties or possessions. They can have a big mouth and it gets them in trouble.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Is there a stable stable?
So recently (within the last few days) all hell has broken loose at my stable. With all the mud-slingin', finger pointing, backstabbing going on you would think there was a presidential election going on. But no, it is merely a political struggle during which unfortunately two of my best friends were thrown under the bus. (I might add, a location with which I myself am familiar with).
Through the whole charade, I starting thinking about the horse industry and the crazy people that are involved in it. By default, admittedly the sport atracts slightly off people; who else but a neurotic persona would go careening around a cross country course at break neck speed on an animal? However, I don't think the neurosis is the problem. It seems to me that the problem is the obsession and embodiement of the neurosis. The people that dedicate absolutely everything to the idea that THEY above all else are the bestest pony owners/riders/trainers ect. People that have no hobbies or interests to speak of away from the barn, that spend every waking momment asking, "who said what out here?"
I don't know (nor do I care) how said people have so much time for drama in their life, not to mention the energy it takes to operate in that mode. Hell, I gave up. I just want to ride. It's a hard enough sport to be involved with when you take into consideration the time, money, and danger involved. I've already almost died from this crazy sport and now I am watching everyone I rode with have the joy a horses soft muzzle can offer taken away from them.... My only comment at this point is, "lame".
Through the whole charade, I starting thinking about the horse industry and the crazy people that are involved in it. By default, admittedly the sport atracts slightly off people; who else but a neurotic persona would go careening around a cross country course at break neck speed on an animal? However, I don't think the neurosis is the problem. It seems to me that the problem is the obsession and embodiement of the neurosis. The people that dedicate absolutely everything to the idea that THEY above all else are the bestest pony owners/riders/trainers ect. People that have no hobbies or interests to speak of away from the barn, that spend every waking momment asking, "who said what out here?"
I don't know (nor do I care) how said people have so much time for drama in their life, not to mention the energy it takes to operate in that mode. Hell, I gave up. I just want to ride. It's a hard enough sport to be involved with when you take into consideration the time, money, and danger involved. I've already almost died from this crazy sport and now I am watching everyone I rode with have the joy a horses soft muzzle can offer taken away from them.... My only comment at this point is, "lame".
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Procrastination
So.. obvisously I haven't posted for a bit. :) Oh well, no one even knows I have the blogspot anyway (mostly because I forgot about it) heh heh. Since my last (and only) post I have gotten settled in my new apartment... though I have to admit there are most assuredly boxes in the basement that are still intouched. In addition we are solidly on our way to getting through frostbite season. It's funny, I stayed in Utah in part because of the ski season and I am going to run screaming fromt he state for the same reason. Well, that and the seagulls. It's just strange to have bronze statues of rats with wings all over the city. But then again, I suppose moving to SLC was cheaper than the detox programs most of my friends that moved out of Miami enrolled in. Just kidding... maybe :)
So lately I have been battling the whole real job, real role in society game. You know the one where I stare at my student loan bills (which amazingly get delivered roughly every three days) and try to convince myself that the debt load was worth it. Then the part where I stare at the job listings on the computer and see such worthy occupations such as Asst. Manager for Taco Bell. Ah yes...
Every time I sit down to revamp my resume I end up thumbing back through serving and bartending positions. Not because I'm not qualified to clean the ladies restroom at Taco Bell, but because I really really don't want to work a 9-5 or wear a suit (or funny looking chicken uniform). I don't want to stare at grey or orange cubicle walls and I truly don't want to have to make up excuses for wanting to go out of town for 3 days. (gasp... you mean lie??)
The greatest part of job hunting is: It's like jean shopping of bathing suit shopping. No matter how much you excercise, you will still feel fat.
It's amazing how quickly you turn into a little kid that wants to say,"But...nooooooo... I really am qualified.. I sweeeaaar.... Ppplllllleeeeaaasee hire me. I need benefits"
So lately I have been battling the whole real job, real role in society game. You know the one where I stare at my student loan bills (which amazingly get delivered roughly every three days) and try to convince myself that the debt load was worth it. Then the part where I stare at the job listings on the computer and see such worthy occupations such as Asst. Manager for Taco Bell. Ah yes...
Every time I sit down to revamp my resume I end up thumbing back through serving and bartending positions. Not because I'm not qualified to clean the ladies restroom at Taco Bell, but because I really really don't want to work a 9-5 or wear a suit (or funny looking chicken uniform). I don't want to stare at grey or orange cubicle walls and I truly don't want to have to make up excuses for wanting to go out of town for 3 days. (gasp... you mean lie??)
The greatest part of job hunting is: It's like jean shopping of bathing suit shopping. No matter how much you excercise, you will still feel fat.
It's amazing how quickly you turn into a little kid that wants to say,"But...nooooooo... I really am qualified.. I sweeeaaar.... Ppplllllleeeeaaasee hire me. I need benefits"
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