Yet again it is 3 am and I am sitting in front of my computer desperately hoping some mind blowing revelation will occur during the habitual e-mail check. It seems to be the same neurotic process that takes place when people continually check the fridge hoping something tasty will appear the next time they open the door. Then again, considering the neurosis I just described, I should probably turn off my computer (gasp!!! it can be turned off?!), grab my journal (and a glass of wine) and keep these pointless rants to myself :)
Oh well.. those that know me are not surprised in the least bit that I am still unable to sleep before the wee hours of the morning.
I have been slightly apathetic about life in general lately... which is probably heightened by re-discovery of a CD that I last listened to while bumming around Japan. I mean, when was the last time you were completely out of your comfort zone? Think about it. Seriously. The last time that everything around you was nakedly different: the colors, the language, the culture, the geography, the food.. whatever it may be. When was the last time all of your senses were alive?
My point is (and I use that phrase incredibly loosely) that we get complacent. Life becomes a pattern (or "model" as a very wise person I know would say)... Yea, stop rolling your eyes.. I know it's not some incredibly deep comment. 9-5 blah blah blah. It's just that it seems to get harder and harder to be able to move just because you want to live on the ocean for a little bit, or to take a month off work and backpack Europe.... or hell, take two weeks off to visit family in another state. Oh sure, you can take a week or two, but you better have picked up a crap load of shifts or worked a ton of overtime to do it. Spontanaity has become a planned event. It's sad.
And why would this be bothering me you ask? Ok well, you may not be asking, but since I'm writing anyway I might as well continue this less than brilliant post. Because I moved to Utah for 3 months and have been here for 4 years. Because all I have wanted was to get my photography company going and it is and is showing real promise- and that means I will be here even longer. Because I have good friends a well paying job (usually) and a nice apartment with too much crap in it. Because I never have to look at a map anymore to drive around the city. Because it gets harder and harder to justify starting over somewhere else. Because financially it would be incredibly stupid (considering my student loan debt) to pick up and leave. Because every reason that keeps me stationary alternatively screams at me to leave.
The sobering truth is that sometimes I think it would be easier to kinda check-out and buy into the 40 hours/ week for 40 years plan... to silence the voice that whispers dreams of adventure and strange places.
